Summer 2015

Let's jumpstart summer now.

Open Letter to my Friends

I don’t know where to start. I guess I have to start by saying I am sorry. I am really sorry.  I am sorry for the fact that it came to the point where in you have to meddle with what is happening to my personal life. I am sorry because I am so immature and I made decisions on impulse. Now, what was I thinking? I thought that leaving would make a big difference in my life, but it will only escalate all my problems. I am sorry for the things that I have done and for the things I have to do in order for me to be okay.

To be honest, for the last weeks I didn’t know where I stand. I didn’t understand myself. I was lost. Then I have realized that you have to be lost in order to find yourself again. You have to be broken so that you could create a better you.

This whole process, it helped me figure out the person that I was and the person that I am going to be. I thought I was strong but now I know I was wrong. I was hurt. I am still hurt but not in a way that the pain destroys me. It inspired me to be a better person and that’s the person that I am going to be. Slowly but surely. I will get there.

I know that I owe you a lot of explanations for my flaws but it doesn’t mean that I am justifying my mistakes. I have to make progress not excuses for my shortcomings. I am growing professionally and personally. I am learning from my mistakes.

This was the first time that it happened to me. It was hard but what was harder is losing myself in the process.

For a moment there, I have doubted myself. It made me feel less. That feeling made me want to leave. I have to get away from the hurt and the pain. I thought that staying would make me relive the horror each and everyday . I have to leave not because I am selfish but because it is necessary. I have to protect myself everyday.  As every mental picture replays every day in my mind, it made me feel numb and it made me used to the pain. It made me stronger than what I really am.

I have to stand up. I have to pick myself up. I don’t care how hard it is. I don’t care if I am going to be disappointed but I am not going to let this get the best of me.

There are people in my life that I made a priority. They even come before me. In return, they just walked away. You might not know this about me but if something happens to my friends I'd go out of my way just to make sure that they are okay. I don't know if this whole thing is just friendship or relationship but  when it ended it hurts like hell. You know what hurts more? It's when people walked out of your life and leave you there hanging. Seems like nobody had the decency to say goodbye nowadays.

I have learned the value of experience. Although I haven't seen things clearly. I am forever thankful for the things I never imagined I could be. If it wasn't for the liars, I wouldn't  know the qualities of a trustworthy person. If it wasn't for the pain, I wouldn't know the value of peace. If it wasn't for the good things falling apart, I wouldn't know what is needed to build the foundation of something great. I have learned the hard way the power of acceptance thru my disappointment. For every letdown has left me in a position to grow and I am wiser because of it all. I now had the courage to stay open and that has only made me better.

For all those things, I still want to thank you.

I promise to stay because now I know that it is where I belong. It is a part of me.

xo

It's About Time

Xyler Rain's First

It's amazing how a year could just fly by so fast. I hope that you turned out to be everything your parents wants you to be. Make us proud. I love you

My Shady Crew

Thank You

Well, I am on my feet now trying to get my life back together again. Though I don't know why but I still don't want to meet new people. For a moment there, you got me thinking that meeting you was destiny. How you made me love you more and more each day was epic. We used to be so turned up and now we are growing apart.

You give me the best 6 months of my life. I know it's over now but if I were to live my past again. I wan't it to be just the way it is. Because no matter what happened, you treated me like a QUEEN but in my world you are my RULER.

Taking that Leap of Faith

One of the hardest decision in life is LETTING GO. Whether it's anger, guilt, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. There is no reset button in life. You can't take anything back and you can't undo anything. All of your actions had consequence and the things you say and do today will have a lasting impact on the rest of your life. You have to understand that and you have to be aware of it while making decisions. Trust your intuition. You don't need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone. At times you have to defy logic. Your decisions don't have to make sense. Making a big life change is SCARY. but you know what's Scarier? REGRETS.

Taking that leap of FAITH!

Birthday and Baby Shower

Tomorrow we will be welcoming baby no.2, and I can't be there because I am scared. 

Happy Birthday Tan. Always remember that I will always be here for you and your growing family. 

My Crew

Sometimes they could be sneaky but I love em to death

Making Decisions

Today, I made a decision. Probably the hardest I ever made. It involves every aspect of my life. As a person. As a human being. 

The Backstory:

Well, if you don't know me. I don't let anybody get close as any normal person would. I always had these walls up. Even at work. I don't consider everyone as my friend. Yes we all get along just fine but again, my walls are always up. 

There was this someone, let's just call him Gee. That's the nickname I gave him. I always have special names for my friends that Im the only one calling them. (There's Garutay, lablab, baby girl, true love, first live, baby boy) yeah Im weird like that. He calls me supervisor.

He bacame one of the people I trust, not only with my life but with my parents' as well. We hang, we laugh and we whine about life together. He was really cool and all. When something went wrong, I always go out of my way just to make sure he is okay. 

Few months went by and we were okay. It was exactly a month ago when everything went crumbling down. He shut me out of his life. We stopped everything we used to do. He dropped me off like a hot potato and pushed me into the drain. HE WALKED OUT, I was LEFT OUT. 

He even sold me out on facebook. He posted about people from work were talking about him seeing someone. I tried reaching out to him but instead he posted to mind our own business and to go to the gym. It doesn't need rocket science to figure this one out. I know it was about me. 

Just kept my distance and stay silent because I don't want to hurt him for the things that I might say. 

Last Saturday, It was my last straw. I went berserk and walked out. 

This whole thing made me question myself. It gives me self doubt. It made me question  the fact that I can't make friends (in the real sense of the word). All I understand is, I have ISSUES. All this, I blame myself to. I felt like a nutcase. 

I know we said sorry to each other. I am really sorry for the things that I have put you through. I'M SO SORRY I AM DIFFICULT. 

I would like to go back to where we were but things changed and that's just the way it is. This time I think you were wrong. YOU ARE NOT LETTING GO. You are giving up but it's okay. because this time I know where I stand. I KNOW WHERE TO GO.